Birthday Eve

Lord-willing, we will meet our baby boy tomorrow.  I'm scheduled to be induced in the morning and we are looking forward to holding this precious gift in our arms.  We can't wait to see him, smell him, admire every inch of his skin, and smother him with kisses.

We feel a huge debt of love to our friends, family, and our church who have loved us through this pregnancy and have covered us with such sacrificial and sincere prayers.  We are completely blessed to have our son born into this world already drowning in the prayers of so many.  Gratefulness is at the forefront of my mind as I look toward tomorrow.

Before I bombard my blog with a million baby pictures, I want to post some pics of what the kids have been up to the past few weeks.































 

Much Of You

Saturday night, my heart tossed and turned a bit.  Each contraction made me realize that our baby would be coming soon and that we would know within a few months at most, what the Lord's answers to our prayers would be.  Anxiety crept in, which led me to ask questions that I really didn't need to ask:

"Will my heart be broken again?  Will I survive seeing another precious son endure challenges for the rest of his life?  How will I hold the pain?  How will we make it financially if we have to fund therapy and medical care for 2 children with special needs?  How will we be able to adequately care for these children, especially if our next is more severely affected?"

On Sunday morning, the Holy Spirit moved in my heart through the lyrics of a song we've sung many times before:

How could I stand here and watch the sun rise
Follow the mountains as they touch the sky
Ponder the vastness and the depths of the sea
And think for a moment the point of it all was to make much of me

'Cause I'm just a whisper and you are the thunder and

I want to make much of You Jesus
I want to make much of Your love
I want to live today and give You the praise
That You alone are so worthy of

I want to make much of Your mercy
I want to make much of Your cross
I give You my life
Take it and let it be used
To make much of You

It struck me that all my "What about me" questions the night before were very much like the first verse of this song.  I was essentially looking at God's work in this world and wondering how it revolved around MY wants and desires.  The chorus reminded me that God's work in this universe has more to do with magnifying His Son than in fulfilling my agenda for my life.

My friend Alice shared something during our care group several weeks ago that I haven't been able to let go of.  She shared her insights into passages in Ecclesiastes;  that there is nothing we go through that is new under the sun, and that God is God and He is the Lord.  He does what He does and our response is to fear Him.

This challenged me to avoid the temptation to glorify my lot in life and the particular trials God has handed me.  It's so tempting to see the world through the lenses of what I'm going through, rather than realize that perhaps God has His own intentions and plans through the things that go on in my life.  That perhaps there is a greater spiritual realm that I'm unaware of, just like in His dealings with Job.  (Not that my life can compare in any way to Job's.)  And that my life and trials are nothing too unique in the whole scheme of God's plan for the entire history of His creation.  Perhaps the details of my life are only  microscopic pieces of a huge puzzle that God has beautifully crafted to magnify the incomparable glory of Christ.  And here I am, thinking so much of my own life and wanting everything to go my way.

And yet, I also can't escape that my Father deeply cares about my most private cares and concerns while He holds the universe together in His hands.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.  ( 1 Peter 5:6-7)

As much as He cares about famines and earthquakes and floods, He cares about me and all the big and little anxieties that fill my heart.  So while He holds the world together and orchestrates all events in His infinite and transcendent wisdom, He also wants me to cast my anxieties on Him because He cares for me as His very own.  And He loved me so much that He he had the worst affliction poured on His Son so that any trials I own here are at worst, "light" and "momentary" and at best will prepare us for "an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison."  (2 Corinthians 4:17)

So all I can do is stand in awe.  My Father is transcendent and beyond comprehension and yet fully interested in the details of my soul.  He orchestrated the history of the world to put Jesus in our hearts.  And what a cost it was to Him!  Today, this is my prayer for myself and for my family: that God will loosen the grip we have on our own lives and that He will use our joys and trials to make much of Jesus.

Marcus Says

We are SO grateful to report that over the past several months, Marcus' speech has exploded.  Before, we used to say that he was "vocalizing".  Now, we can say that without a doubt, he is "talking".  He still has trouble with many consonants and his articulation isn't understood by everyone, but he is definitely talking.  Before, we used to have to teach him every new word.  Now, he's coming up with words spontaneously on his own.  Here's a short list of new things he's started to say as of late:

"I love you, too."

"Mommy, look!  Daddy, Look!"  (After doing something he wants to show us.)

"Noona (big sister) school, Daddy work."

Counting up to 10 and then backwards down to 1.

Saying his ABCs

Giving a play by play during meals:  "Mommy eat bread, Marcus eat cereal."

"Singing" his all-time favorite single, "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star".  Or in his words, "Winkle, Winkle".  He also knows many words to "Jesus Loves Me" and many other songs.

"My _____________ " (funny how you never have to teach kids to say "my)

Us:  Marcus, who's in our family?
Him:  Mommy, Daddy, Noona, Marcus, Baby

Due to his vision issues and his vestibular deficits, he LOVES seeing things that spin and being spun around himself.  So he says "Mommy, Daddy, round round" when he wants us to draw circles, spin toys, or spin him around in a swing.  Mike and I have declared this song to be his anthem.

Humor -

Us:  Marcus, who's in our family?
Him:  Popcorn.  (Grin and long pause.)  Oh my!

Potty Humor -

Us:  Marcus, what's your favorite color?
Marcus:  Poo poo  (Grin and giggles)
Us:  Marcus, count to 10.
Marcus:  One, poo,... (Giggles and can't continue on)

Going to a store, he thinks he owns the place and points to everything saying, "That one, that one, that one."

When he doesn't want to crawl or use his walker or trail along the wall, he says "Walk, two hands"  (please hold both my hands and help me to walk)

Hearing Mike's mix of R&B/Soul music playing, he says, "Daddy music"

Compared to his peers, his speech is still obviously very delayed.  However, we can't help but be extremely grateful that he's even able to communicate what he can.  It's a miracle.  But while I'm overjoyed at his progress, I think of other parents I know who have their own children with varying diagnoses and I know that some of them wonder if their child will ever be able to say "I love you."  I often wonder why God has allowed Marcus to progress this far while others are still waiting, and my heart is burdened for them.  I think that to the degree that Marcus' disabilities have afforded us incredible blessing, these other families' blessings are that much greater and that the Lord is allowing for greater riches than I could imagine for myself.

Thankful Thursday

1. After two short stays at the hospital last week due to contractions, I've been better about listening to the doctor's orders to rest.  So since I'm out of commission, I'm very thankful that Mike has been such a huge help.  With full-time work and taking on my load at home, he's been doing double duty and so joyfully, I must say.  He is one rad dad!

2. I also have some awesome friends.  I'm so tempted to feel incredibly lame that I can't take care of my family, but very honored and humbled that others have SO generously stepped in for me.  We've received delicious meals, offers to babysit, and our friends Alice and Donna have watched Marcus during the day so that I can rest.  Our sisters have also been at our beck and call to help us out as well, especially during the times we've had to be at the hospital.  I'm so grateful for such undeserved care.

3. Marcus is in the middle of his 3-week fall vacation from his year-round school schedule.  And with his Mommy not being able to take him out, he has been stuck at home most of the time.  It's been a challenge thinking of different things to do with him that don't require physical exertion on my part.  But I'm thankful that he's going with the flow and relatively easy to entertain.  One day, we had a good half-hour of fun with a headband. We've found multiple uses for them.

The Classic Look



80's Sweatband



Visor



Halo



Backwards Halo



Necklace



Nose guard



Yamaka



Belt



Star Trek



Headgear



Earring



Double Earrings

35 Weeks & Grateful

The doctor had me admitted into Labor & Delivery today to monitor the contractions I've been having.  I knew I'd eventually be sent home, but while I was hooked up to the IV and given some muscle relaxers to slow down the contractions, I had one thought:  gratefulness.

At the beginning of this year, I had no clue I'd be pregnant.  Every pregnancy is nothing less than a miracle and this one is especially miraculous because it was not even in our plans.  It is something I can't possibly take for granted.  On top of that, being able to carry this baby to at least 35 weeks is as astounding as getting pregnant in the first place.  I have known too many dear friends who have had difficulty conceiving and bringing a baby to term, that I cannot take this lightly.  So in spite of all the unknowns about the future, I'm humbled and thankful to be able to have this precious soul in my womb.  What a miracle.  What an honor.

So per doctor's orders, I'm "taking it easy" and enjoying the fact that God is putting His finishing touches on our son before we meet him at last.

I leave you with a picture of how we've been enjoying our time while we're still a family of four:

Outdoor Play - By Marcus Lee

Mom's been tired.  Baby brother's taking over her body, so she's been moving slower and hasn't been able to do the things I want her to.  She doesn't even take me to the park anymore because I'm no longer content to play in the sand for hours.  By golly, I want to climb the playground equipment, go down the slides, and do reps up and down the stairs!  The last time she took me to the park, poor Mama was huffing and puffing from helping me get around, and when we got into the car, she was almost as sweaty as Big Sis.  I wish I could do it all by myself, but for now, I need her help.

That's why she tries to get me to do sedentary activities at home.  But goodness, one can only do puzzles, color, and read for so long!  Even my favorite TV shows are getting old!  If she had it her way, Audrey and I would color for 5 hours straight while she lays down and shovels ice cream in her mouth.  I've been hearing her complain about dizzy spells from being on her feet too long and Dad's been wanting her to take it easy because when she does too much, she has a lot of what Daddy calls Toni Braxton contractions...or something like that.

But the other day, I did some strategic fussing and got her to let me play for reals.  After all, I'm a 3 year-old BOY and I need to get out!  So for the past few days, we've been able to let out some energy.  Thanks, Mom!

She managed to get all 32 pounds of me safely on my swing and then ordered Audrey to twirl me around.



I was a bit excited about this.



Saliva-worthy excitement.



We also did some neighborhood graffiti.







Audrey was pretty into it.



Like REALLY into it.



And we mingled with our neighborhood buds.







All Mom wanted to do was take pictures of us, as always.  But sometimes a boy has better things to do.



Like getting dirty.



And climbing.



And strutting.





So thanks, Mom, for getting your bottom off the couch and taking us out.  I appreciate it.  :-)

Anticipation

This week, we've started shedding and reorganizing to make room for all the baby stuff.  All this physical preparation is a lot of work, but doesn't compare to the emotional and spiritual preparation ahead.

So far, the ultrasounds have been very encouraging.  But as I've mentioned before, we don't really know for sure if the baby is healthy.  We never did an amniocentesis to rule out Down Syndrome, and we never got a fetal MRI to find the molar tooth sign that indicates Joubert Syndrome.  This means that all we can do is pray and wait and see what the Lord has in store.

I have faith that no matter what, Jesus will be there.  Even if our worst fears come true, I trust that He will be there.  However, what I'm fearful of is my own heart.  I'm scared to see what will pour out of my soul if we face more challenges with this baby.  I remember the things I felt and the things I said during the darkest times with Marcus:

"I know God is using this for good, but I don't want what He wants.  I don't want Jesus.  I just want my baby to be okay.  Why is He doing this to us, to our son?  Why is He ripping my heart out?  Is He just trying to prove a point with me that He's sovereign?  Well I don't care.  I just want my son to be okay.  God doesn't love me, He just loves His own agenda."

I remember feeling so bitter at my Lord.  I thought it was cold-heartedly cruel of Him to inflict this pain, and yet to see Him ask me to "Consider it all joy when you face trials of many kinds" and to "Rejoice in the Lord always."  I loathed passages of scripture that asked me to respond to my trials in seemingly impossible ways.  His word burdened me and made me feel even farther away from His love.

But His Spirit gently reminded me of Romans 8:32

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?

My Father reminded me of His indescribable love shown through Christ.  While I was holding Marcus against my heart, He reminded me that He rejected His own Son.  He crushed Jesus, bruised Him, and abandoned His perfect beloved One at the cross while He bore all of my sin.  So if He gave up Jesus for my sake, why wouldn't He also lavishly provide everything else I need to live this life unto Him?

It was then that I threw my hands up to say, "Lord, if You want this trial in my life, You must also be the one to give me the faith to trust you through it.  I cannot possibly respond rightly or have joy in all of this.  So if You gave me Jesus, You must also give me the joy in the midst of this pain.  You must be the one to carry me through because I cannot survive this on my own.  You gave me the most precious gift of your Son to save me.  So please, Lord, please provide whatever else is necessary to grow in His grace.  I desperately need You."

And you know, the Lord answered abundantly.  He's allowed us to say, "Jesus is better" because through the heartache, we've known more of His love.  We've been able to cry out with David, "Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you." (Psalm 63:3)

So why am I so anxious about how I'll respond if this baby faces his own challenges?  It's because I know the depth of my sin and idolatry, how quickly I desert the One who gave Himself for me, and how easily I forget that Jesus is more than enough.  And so, I pray that the Lord will keep me near the cross and utterly take over my heart because I'm too weak to give it up to Him.  I pray that I'll remember how He's generously supplied "all things" and will continue to do so.  He abandoned His Son, but He'll never abandon me.  Lord, may Your Spirit cause me to remember that.