"Will my heart be broken again? Will I survive seeing another precious son endure challenges for the rest of his life? How will I hold the pain? How will we make it financially if we have to fund therapy and medical care for 2 children with special needs? How will we be able to adequately care for these children, especially if our next is more severely affected?"
On Sunday morning, the Holy Spirit moved in my heart through the lyrics of a song we've sung many times before:
How could I stand here and watch the sun rise
Follow the mountains as they touch the sky
Ponder the vastness and the depths of the sea
And think for a moment the point of it all was to make much of me
'Cause I'm just a whisper and you are the thunder and
I want to make much of You Jesus
I want to make much of Your love
I want to live today and give You the praise
That You alone are so worthy of
I want to make much of Your mercy
I want to make much of Your cross
I give You my life
Take it and let it be used
To make much of You
It struck me that all my "What about me" questions the night before were very much like the first verse of this song. I was essentially looking at God's work in this world and wondering how it revolved around MY wants and desires. The chorus reminded me that God's work in this universe has more to do with magnifying His Son than in fulfilling my agenda for my life.
My friend Alice shared something during our care group several weeks ago that I haven't been able to let go of. She shared her insights into passages in Ecclesiastes; that there is nothing we go through that is new under the sun, and that God is God and He is the Lord. He does what He does and our response is to fear Him.
This challenged me to avoid the temptation to glorify my lot in life and the particular trials God has handed me. It's so tempting to see the world through the lenses of what I'm going through, rather than realize that perhaps God has His own intentions and plans through the things that go on in my life. That perhaps there is a greater spiritual realm that I'm unaware of, just like in His dealings with Job. (Not that my life can compare in any way to Job's.) And that my life and trials are nothing too unique in the whole scheme of God's plan for the entire history of His creation. Perhaps the details of my life are only microscopic pieces of a huge puzzle that God has beautifully crafted to magnify the incomparable glory of Christ. And here I am, thinking so much of my own life and wanting everything to go my way.
And yet, I also can't escape that my Father deeply cares about my most private cares and concerns while He holds the universe together in His hands.
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. ( 1 Peter 5:6-7)
As much as He cares about famines and earthquakes and floods, He cares about me and all the big and little anxieties that fill my heart. So while He holds the world together and orchestrates all events in His infinite and transcendent wisdom, He also wants me to cast my anxieties on Him because He cares for me as His very own. And He loved me so much that He he had the worst affliction poured on His Son so that any trials I own here are at worst, "light" and "momentary" and at best will prepare us for "an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison." (2 Corinthians 4:17)
So all I can do is stand in awe. My Father is transcendent and beyond comprehension and yet fully interested in the details of my soul. He orchestrated the history of the world to put Jesus in our hearts. And what a cost it was to Him! Today, this is my prayer for myself and for my family: that God will loosen the grip we have on our own lives and that He will use our joys and trials to make much of Jesus.