I can't believe I'm saying this, but there really are sporadic moments (albeit very short ones) when I forget our dear son has a terrible syndrome. But certain things will trigger the emotions of how we felt in the darker moments of this journey, when grief, sadness, and anxiety were close friends. And there is a sliver of my heart that kind of misses those times. I don't miss the despair as much as how God used the despair to teach me and draw me close to Him.
There is a certain simplicity to suffering that I miss. When I'm low and crushed, my life somehow gets reduced down to 3 simple things:
1. God loves me.
2. God loves my family.
3. God loves others.
Which then causes me to respond with 3 simple things:
1. I love God because He loved me first.
2. If God loves my family, I trust that He will take care of my family.
3. If God loves others, I want to pray for and care for others who are suffering.
But I realize that I often over-complicate my life needlessly. I preoccupy myself with the unimportant and the transient things of life, being distracted by everything that life entails. So in these seasons when I'm breathing a little easier, I want to cry out to my Lord,
Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.