There was rain in the forecast yesterday and the boys were sick, but we were all desperate to get out of the house. After eating two meals, a snack, doing a craft, napping Derek, building Legos, constructing toilet paper towers, wiping Niagara Snot every 30 seconds, and breaking up UFC fights between the boys in small living space, I thought it would be better to take a break from PhlegmFest 2012 and get some fresh air, even if meant getting rained on.
As I loaded the kids in the car, I didn't really know where we were going. But as we drove, I thought we could grab some ice cream and fries and eat them by the lake under the gazebo. That way, the kids could enjoy the treat and some nice scenery, Derek could walk around in a contained area, and we could stay dry if it rained.
Well, we got there and I realized the gazebo wouldn't really shield us from rain.
But that's beside the point.
We set out the treats and were ready to enjoy the much-needed break.
Things were going well. The kids were stoked. I applauded myself for the genius idea and nominated myself for Most Innovative Mommy of February.
But then, Audrey yelled, "There's lots of poo!" I turned around and noticed that indeed, there was lots of poo on the ground. Someone let their very big dog unload many many logs of poo. Correction: someone let a pack of wolves excrete all over the gazebo floor.
Knowing that Derek would either step on it or grab it after I let him loose, I decided to clean it up. Once again, I gave myself a medal of honor because I had asked the drive-thru guy at McDonalds to give me some extra napkins. So I took the napkins and picked up as many logs I could. Unfortunately, it must have been freshly squeezed because the excrement quickly bled through the napkins. That didn't stop me though because I thought that wads of poo in stained napkins in my hand were better than Derek eating animal dung.
Unfortunately, I ran out of napkins so there was still quite a bit of poo left on the ground. And of course, there was no trash can nearby, so what did I do with the handfuls of feces? I stuck them in the McDonalds bag to throw away later.
I hoped I'd be able to get away with just keeping Derek in the stroller the whole time.
But he was getting fussy and demanded to be unbuckled, so I let him out and tried to keep an eye on him while feeding Marcus at the same time.
The minefield of poo was one issue, but I didn't foresee Derek trying to climb the railing and jump in the water.
This put Audrey on high alert. Her mothering instinct kicked in so she left behind her sundae to protect Derek from slipping through the rail on one side, and playing with poo on the other.
Meanwhile, Marcus spilled his ice cream on himself and I quickly searched for remnants of clean napkin to avoid a sensory meltdown. All the while, Audrey was screaming in fear as Derek was squealing in delight.
Quickly after, I started screeching because I noticed that Derek's pants were completely drenched with what seemed like a 6-pack of urine. Of course, I had no change of clothes and I couldn't let him waddle around sans pants due to the wind that only seemed to be getting stronger.
Audrey called out for help, so I left Marcus to run to her aid. But as she and I were both shielding Derek from all sorts of danger, Stevie Wonder was yelling, "Feed me my ice cream! And with a strawberry!"
After a couple rounds of running back and forth to block Derek from wolf feces and spoon Marcus' strawberry sundae into his mouth, I decided it was time to pack up and go home. So I shoved my pee-drenched son into his puddled stroller seat.
And I asked Audrey to grab the McDonald's bag. She asked if there was poo in it. "Yes, my child. Please help Mommy and grab the bag of poo."
Thankfully, we found a trashcan not too far off and we disposed of the bag of poo.
And girl don't waste no ice cream sundae, even if it's melted.
SO, walking back to the car with toddler urine and who-knows-what kind of beastly animal's dung on my hands, I looked at Audrey and said in an old man's nasally voice, "Well, THAT was interesting." And we both busted out in unstoppable laughter.
All the way to the car.
The grossness didn't stop there because today, Derek went diarrhea at Yogurtland. But of course, I had no wipes left to change his diaper because I had used them all up earlier in the car when I freakishly choked on my saliva and vomited out my lunch. With no cup or any other empty container on hand in the car, I caught my throw-up in my hands for the first round, then grabbed a receiving blanket to catch the rest. When it was all done, I put the nasty blanket in a small draw-string canvas bag to take home and wash.
So yesterday, we had the bag of poo. Today was the bag of puke. Tomorrow, Derek will eat a dirty diaper, I will somehow get camel snot on my hands, and we'll be carrying around a bag of I-don't-know-what.
ANYhow! Yesterday was an interesting day.
Well, it makes for good memories, an interesting blog post, and at least...it didn't rain.