So far, the ultrasounds have been very encouraging. But as I've mentioned before, we don't really know for sure if the baby is healthy. We never did an amniocentesis to rule out Down Syndrome, and we never got a fetal MRI to find the molar tooth sign that indicates Joubert Syndrome. This means that all we can do is pray and wait and see what the Lord has in store.
I have faith that no matter what, Jesus will be there. Even if our worst fears come true, I trust that He will be there. However, what I'm fearful of is my own heart. I'm scared to see what will pour out of my soul if we face more challenges with this baby. I remember the things I felt and the things I said during the darkest times with Marcus:
"I know God is using this for good, but I don't want what He wants. I don't want Jesus. I just want my baby to be okay. Why is He doing this to us, to our son? Why is He ripping my heart out? Is He just trying to prove a point with me that He's sovereign? Well I don't care. I just want my son to be okay. God doesn't love me, He just loves His own agenda."
I remember feeling so bitter at my Lord. I thought it was cold-heartedly cruel of Him to inflict this pain, and yet to see Him ask me to "Consider it all joy when you face trials of many kinds" and to "Rejoice in the Lord always." I loathed passages of scripture that asked me to respond to my trials in seemingly impossible ways. His word burdened me and made me feel even farther away from His love.
But His Spirit gently reminded me of Romans 8:32
He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?
My Father reminded me of His indescribable love shown through Christ. While I was holding Marcus against my heart, He reminded me that He rejected His own Son. He crushed Jesus, bruised Him, and abandoned His perfect beloved One at the cross while He bore all of my sin. So if He gave up Jesus for my sake, why wouldn't He also lavishly provide everything else I need to live this life unto Him?
It was then that I threw my hands up to say, "Lord, if You want this trial in my life, You must also be the one to give me the faith to trust you through it. I cannot possibly respond rightly or have joy in all of this. So if You gave me Jesus, You must also give me the joy in the midst of this pain. You must be the one to carry me through because I cannot survive this on my own. You gave me the most precious gift of your Son to save me. So please, Lord, please provide whatever else is necessary to grow in His grace. I desperately need You."
And you know, the Lord answered abundantly. He's allowed us to say, "Jesus is better" because through the heartache, we've known more of His love. We've been able to cry out with David, "Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you." (Psalm 63:3)
So why am I so anxious about how I'll respond if this baby faces his own challenges? It's because I know the depth of my sin and idolatry, how quickly I desert the One who gave Himself for me, and how easily I forget that Jesus is more than enough. And so, I pray that the Lord will keep me near the cross and utterly take over my heart because I'm too weak to give it up to Him. I pray that I'll remember how He's generously supplied "all things" and will continue to do so. He abandoned His Son, but He'll never abandon me. Lord, may Your Spirit cause me to remember that.