Thursday, December 10, 2009

How Life Was Supposed To Be

Getting married relatively young and immature, I went into marriage and parenthood with many blind spots and thus,  had very idealistic and romantic notions about how life was supposed to turn out for me.  The truth is that I thought I deserved to have everything in life that I wanted.  Of course, I knew that I had to love and follow God, but I was ALSO supposed to get everything I longed for because I was a good girl and I deserved it.  (hahahahaha!)  Suffering was supposed to be for other people because I was going to dodge all sorts of hardship.  It just wasn't going to be in my cards.

Everything was going exactly as I had planned until Marcus came along.  Needless to say, my life imploded and crashed into my gut.  My legs came out from under me because I wasn't supposed to encounter trials that big.  To be utterly honest, Marcus represents so many things that weren't supposed to be for me.

I wasn't supposed to endure such deep heartache for my child.  I wasn't supposed to face so much uncertainty about the future.  My weekly schedule wasn't supposed to work around hours and hours of therapy.  I wasn't supposed to worry about using our finances for medical/therapy expenses.  I wasn't supposed to stop having kids after two because of the possibility of having more children affected with a rare genetic syndrome.  I wasn't supposed to have my child undergo yearly tests to check for organ failure.  I wasn't supposed to expose my child to braille because of potential vision loss.  I wasn't supposed to shop for wheelchairs or walkers or have to carry my child everywhere when all his friends were running around.  I wasn't supposed to wonder if my firstborn would feel overly burdened in caring for her brother after Mike and I passed on.

God could have just kept my thoughts in this nasty pool of selfishness and pride.  But what I've begun to understand is that all the "supposed-to-be's" were really false lovers I was chasing when my One True Love was caring for me all along.  By His unmerited grace, I'm seeing that what Marcus really represents is  how deep, how wide, how strong, how lavish, how beautiful His love for me really is.  All the heartache and helplessness and despair I've felt because of Marcus were really gentle strokes of grace from God to help me see that He's already satisfied my desires through Christ.  That no other earthly joy, no matter how good, can compare to the fact that God inflicted His own perfect beloved Son so that His blood could pay the price to adopt me as His own child.  That although I've been so unfaithful while chasing false lovers, God looks upon me as He looks upon His own Son because I now belong to Him.

I still wrestle with all that I want for myself, my children, my family...on a moment by moment basis.  And to be honest, I won't be free from these idols until I'm with the Lord in Heaven.  But at the core, I am gripped by how gracious God has been to me.  That through Marcus, he has given me and my family the unique and precious privilege to be brought low, and consequently, Christ looks so much more beautiful now.  Yes, my life today isn't what I had planned or how I imagined it to be.  It is so much more rich and I am so much more aware of how fierce God's love is for me.


cathiehong said...

oh sue, thanks so much for sharing... your life looks beautiful because of where the Lord has you & i'm so thankful for your example to me! so encouraged by your words & your life! :)

thekimfam said...

read your post with tears...thank you for encouraging all of us by pointing us to the cross and the power of the gospel. love you!

amanda said...

sooo sooo encouraged by your openness and your sharing! praying for you and your family and very thankful to learn from you and see the Lord continually giving you joy in Him!

joan said...

so grateful for the clear vision He gives you from the valley and how i can learn and be blessed from that. can't wait for the Day when we'll be in His presence and able to fully appreciate all the *unexpected* things He did in our lives that were truly gifts of mind-boggling love. love you lots, mama.

kchien said...

thank you thank you dear sister for being so opened with your life and sharing your short comings, fears, uncertainties and basically--your humanness! You are such a great reminder to me on how much I should stop being selfish with what I want and expect in life with my desires--and really to focus on God's love and His provisions, His sovereignty, His holiness, and His grace.

You are truly an awesome gift from the Lord and I'm thankful that God has brought us together to be an encouragement to others, especially to me.

Big Hugs!


bookbloggyblogg said...

FINALLY got my Google reader to subscribe to this blog correctly. Cuz I don't wanna miss a thang.

Sue, what a beautiful post. Forget about pregnancy; suffering is what really gives a woman that special glow.

You remind me of my friend, Sue Park. You guys kinda look alike.

But you, Mrs. Lee, are so much more beautiful (no offense to Sue circa 1992). The suffering you've endured has refined and ripened your love for the Lord, and it's an awesome sight to behold.

Seeing how the Lord has used suffering in your life makes me want that same beauty in mine -- not adorned with gold and jewels, but adorned with a spirit of quiet joy that trusts in the Lord and firmly believes that ultimate triumph over sin lies just beyond the threshold between this life and the next.

Thank you for spurring me on to pray for gospel-centered suffering today.

I love you so much, Sue.

Jules said...

How come I missed this post? And how come i'm tearing up? Probably because the love that you so tenderly feel for our Lord is tangible, beautiful and inspiring. Thanks, Sue!

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